Duca vs Carlson was 2016 in a nutshell

For those of you who may have missed it, Lauren Duca, a writer for Teen Vogue, was invited onto Tucker Carlson's show and was essentially talked over for the duration of the interview. If you watch the video on mute, which I just did trying to quickly un-mute my computer, it looks like the two people are having completely separate conversations with people off screen. Now, not shockingly, I have never been a fan of Carlson for the obvious reasons: he's whiny, arrogant and has both the attitude and the wardrobe of a cartoon-version spoiled child. I originally watched the interview because I saw it on Twitter, which I still hate but am seeing some value, and was admittedly baited by the promise of a "Carlson take-down." What I saw in the video clip was hard to watch and resulted in several moments of me looking through my fingers like I was watching a horror movie. For the record, I think Lauren Duca was a vision. She attempted to respond to Carlson's digs and his incessant nitpicking and refusal to actually listen to her responses to questions that he posed with poise and humor. This video was particularly hard to watch for me because it basically summed up my 2016: desperately trying to communicate intelligently and warmly about complex and complicated topics to people who are primarily, if not exclusively, interested in being right and insisting that I am wrong, even when the topics being discussed were too complicated and nuanced to ever be simplified into cases of right and wrong. I felt Duca's frustration in trying to find common ground and explain her position, which is far too complex to be reduced to a single tweet, as Carlson attempted to do. I felt personally insulted by Carlson's continual digging into the details and semantics of her language on Twitter while simultaneously refusing her the opportunity to address the larger issues. I think people should certainly be on the hook for things they say and write. However, Twitter is not the final word in critique and commentary and humor is not the enemy of thoughtful analysis. 

As a cisgender female interested in social critique, I have learned the hard way that my words and thoughts will be particularly picked apart by my (generally white) cisgender male peers. I have to be twice as eloquent, well-researched, calm and collected to even be heard, let alone listened to. I am also aware that my whiteness, my identity as a cisgender female, as well-educated and as heterosexual have afforded me seats at tables, or at least invitations into rooms, that are not offered to everyone. During these conversations, I have to reach across the table and try to find common ground in the discussion, continually reassure and affirm others and use humor to soften even the softest of statements to protect the conversation from being shut down by, most commonly, the white and male fragility that so quickly can end a respectful discourse. If I stray from the course for even a second, I am "aggressive" and the conversation is over. Mind you, the name-calling and threatening language used to silence me in these instances is somehow not characterized as "aggressive," but me suggesting that using the term "cunt" as a derogatory word for females is rooted in a violent history that has oppressed women and denigrated womanhood is, so there's that. Watching the interview, I felt fatigued. Duca was clearly attempting to not only respond to Carlson's questions but also to engage in a conversation that includes a disagreement. It is wholly exhausting to continually be the one reaching out, trying to engage in meaningful discourse without pointing fingers while simultaneously being affronted by a refusal to listen or engage. So why have these conversations, Julia? Great question, internet friends (hi mom and dad!). Much of the time, I am not the instigator of these conversations (and some of the time I 100% am). Up until now, I have not been willing to turn away from a conversation about topics I care deeply for based solely on the reason that the person with whom I am talking does not agree with me. I am not interested in the goal of changing people's minds because I am not arrogant enough to assume that my perspectives are without flaw. However, I am interested in encouraging and modeling respectful discourse when I can. Note: times like weddings or any event with an open bar are not times when one can or should attempt to model anything. As someone who has tried and failed and watched MULTIPLE seasons of America's Next Top Model I can doubly attest to that. That being said, I am getting tired of playing by the rules of a game that is rigged against me; a game that I am not only likely to lose but that was also designed to destroy me, to silence me and to discredit me. Why is it that women like Ms. Duca cannot write about both pop culture and politics without being invalidated when politicians rely on celebrities for endorsements and, most recently, life chats? Why is she receiving rape threats for speaking her mind and responding to the word vomit assault of her interviewer while we give people like Carlson (and, ahem, our PEOTUS) a public platform from which they can verbally (and allegedly, physically) assault women, people of color, people who identify as LGBTQ+ and essentially anyone who is not wealthy, white, cisgender, heterosexual and male? Why are women expected to beautiful and then, when they are, are not allowed to also be smart and funny and powerful and whole? Why is Ivanka Trump to be considered *just* Donald Trump's daughter for the sake of this conversation while she is also meeting with foreign leaders and taking on responsibility for her family's businesses? I know why. These questions are rhetorical.

To her point, Duca was trying to say that Ivanka Trump is *more* than just Trump's daughter. She is smart, she is powerful and, as such, should be held to a high standard and should not be written off as a Trump figurine in her father's campaign toy chest. Women who are beautiful, who seem approachable and who, in Duca's brilliant words "look like they smell like vanilla" should not be written off or given a pass from accountability simply because others can not see their power or value. In general, her position was far more thoughtful and respectful toward Ivanka than Carlson's but he was too busy flooding his own eardrums with the sound of his own voice to hear that. I was happy and proud to see Duca hold her own and keep doing the hard work. It's disheartening, though not surprising, that she is being met with threats and her retweet comebacks are comic gold. The video clip for me was a reminder that, though tiring, these conversations are important. While it is critical for my own mental health to know when a conversation is not worth having (something I want to focus on in 2017), it's also so important to not let some bow-tie with an attitude discredit or invalidate things that matter. 

I joined Twitter and my thoughts on trolls

So, it's been a while since my last post because, well, I've busy finishing up with my semester (woohoo), keeping up with Kardashians (yes, seriously. I started from the beginning and, you know what? I kind of get it.) and selling some motherfxing tank tops!

In under two weeks, I have sold all but THREE tank tops (I have 2 mediums and 1 large left) and have raised over $650 for Planned Parenthood. That fact just blows my damn mind and I am incredibly and unbelievably grateful for everyone who ordered, shared and supported this project. When I ordered them originally I did not imagine they would go so fast, or even at all, and it fills my heart with joy like the Grinch who stole Christmas. I'm not sure yet if I'll order more once I sell out but if there is interest let me know!

In other news, I recently joined Twitter. While I still think it can be a reflection of some of the worst parts of humanity: ignorance, bigotry and terrible spelling, I think for the purposes of enhancing my awareness and seeing what other people are doing it is a great tool. Also, I finally know the best TV sitcom episodes to put me in the holiday spirit so basically it's all worth it. The only reason I really bring this up here is I want to take a second and talk about trolls and I do not mean these gender-neutral dreams from my childhood:

Source

I'm talking about internet trolls. We all know who I'm talking about: the men and women on social media who repeatedly and incessantly chime in, often unprovoked, to deny the existence of white privilege/racism/sexism/any other -ism or construct that has been incontrovertibly demonstrated through research and the shared experiences of generations of people or, at worst, threaten the safety and security of people with whom they do not agree. When I signed up for Twitter, my loving and unwaveringly supportive husband expressed some concern that people would be "mean to me." It's sad but true that my initial response was "yeah. No shit." In truth, one of the reasons I took so long to join Twitter is that I didn't want to invite trolls into my life. I have plenty of experience with people being unkind or critical of me in my personal life, did I really want to open the doors and windows of my world to people I don't even know? My answer for a very long time was a whole-hearted "no." However, after starting this blog and thinking about trolls quite a bit, I realized a few things. Firstly.
a fear of people being mean to me is not a reason not to do something. When I think back on decisions I've made in the past that were based out of or motivated by this fear, I have often done things I have regretted that sometimes resulted in me being unkind to other people and untrue to myself. Why should I allow a fear of people who don't agree with me to silence me? Isn't that the point of speaking out in the first place? To be quiet in the face of bullying and trolling is to play into the system that silences so many. Though this is obviously far more complicated than a competition where there are winners and losers, by allowing bullies to push me into silence I am in this instance allowing them to win.

I'm going to be honest with you here for a second (I mean, really, all the seconds but it sounds good and like I'm about to make some grand reveal when I say it like that. Am I building suspense? Is it working?). Ok, seriously, sometimes writing this blog scares the shit out of me. Not because it's being read by tons of people (it's not. Hey mom and dad! Thanks for the support!) or because what I'm saying is that revolutionary but because I have made the choice to put myself out there and say things that many people don't understand or agree with I sometimes feel as though I am in a vulnerable position. But I made this choice because I think it is unfair to ask other people to put themselves in unsafe, insecure and risky positions in the work of activism and advocacy if I am not willing to do it as well. I'm not suggesting that writing a blog is the same as putting one's body on the line during marches and protests. What I am suggesting is that risk is involved in making change, whether that be the risk of arrest or physical harm during a protest or the risk of having an uncomfortable conversation with a peer. Fear of discomfort and backlash is a very powerful tool in silencing those who believe and know we can do and be better. While people of color are speaking out against police brutality and an unequal justice system, violence against transgender and LGB populations is peaking and indigenous and native people in this country have been hosed in freezing temperatures while protecting land that is legally theirs, how can I allow a fear of someone saying something mean to me to shut me up? This is a clear and overt demonstration of my privilege as a white, educated, heterosexual cisgender female and I need to see it, feel it and do something about it. Each person has to decide for her of himself when it is safe to speak out and, in truth, sometimes it is not. And sometimes people are exhausted and tired of experiencing the same things all the time and don't have the energy at that moment to say something and that is fine. We have to do what we need to to stay safe and sane. However, my point here is that not everyone gets to make the choice about feeling uncomfortable or unsafe. Discomfort is a part of change. Think about how horrible growing pains were as a kid. It's like that except we're talking about people's lives.

So follow me on Twitter if you're nice (@theliberalb). I can't promise to tweet interesting things but I can promise to like AND retweet a post about cozy bars with fireplaces in Denver.