So, it hasn't even been a week and news from the University of Richmond strikes again. This time, the issue is around an email sent by a member of a fraternity that includes derogatory and bizarrely threatening language about women. You can read more about the incident here but, to sum it up, the fraternity member ended an email promoting an upcoming party with the line: "Tonight's the type of night that makes fathers afraid to send their daughters away to school." Yuck. Also, huh? What is that honestly supposed to mean? Is this some horrifying party theme I'm not aware of? Is this actually a selling point for getting people to come to parties now? I personally prefer a heavy snack selection as a party incentive so this is a wholly new concept to me.
But seriously, and unfortunately, this language and this idea are not actually new to me. In fact, something very similar happened when I was in college. Though I was disgusted and disturbed at that time, I was very aware of the negative and degrading ways in which women were written about in fraternity emails and was riding the "freedom of speech" train, and also the restorative justice train, though I didn't know it at the time. I know a lot more now and I want to make a very controversial and shocking statement: I do not find jokes or statements about rape, or any violence towards another person, to be funny. *gasp* I think they often normalize or minimize events that truly hurt and impact people on a daily basis and, frankly, I don't think that's very nice. I know that sometimes people who have experienced violence will use humor to deflect and protect themselves and I get that. I just wish that we made it easier to talk about these things so people wouldn't need such a defense against their own experiences.
I hear all the time (seriously, all.the.time), that jokes are just jokes and I'm being too sensitive or need to lighten up so I wanted to address that here. Firstly, I am a sensitive person. I cry during live performances because I'm happy for the performers that they are so talented. I'm not going to hide that fact and I'm not embarrassed by it. But, to be clear, not finding humor in jokes or statements that threaten the safety and worth of others is not a reflection on my sensitivity. I believe that the whole "too sensitive" argument is simply a way for people to deflect personal responsibility for their own stuff. It's a way to blame me for your transgression.
Secondly, it's important to note that jokes are rarely just jokes. I have been both the target of and the audience to violent statements against people who identify with historically marginalized groups (this includes women but is not exclusive to women. Also, intersectionality exists, people.). Even though it may not be the intent of the speaker, comments, statements and quips that include elements of violence are often vaguely-to-overtly threatening and usually silence the targeted people by stripping them of their validity and sending the message that the speaker does not respect them and likely will not hear anything they have to say. To say "it was just a joke," is to deny the experience of others who are saying it is much more. It is placing the opinion and viewpoint of the speaker over those of others and is reinforcing power dynamics that have been prevalent in the U.S. since the first European ships landed on what is now called the Americas. Isn't it time we move forward from that?
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I think it is ok, and actually crucial, to admit our mistakes. I have done and said things I regret. I have hurt people unintentionally and tried to defend myself on many occasions. I don't think this makes me a "bad" person - though I don't actually think that's a thing; but I'll get to that later. In the U.S., we live in a society where messages about power and privilege are embedded within us and sometimes come out in ways we do not intend. Even the most sociopolitically aware individuals (among whom I am most certainly not) will say that learning about social justice, equality and the ways in which oppression manifests itself in society is a continual, lifelong process. My hope is that the individual who wrote that email will learn from this mistake; not to not write things like that down, but to understand why it is harmful to others to think those things at all. It is possible that the author of that email, as well as the other people in my life who have said similar things to me, did not mean for their words to have the impact that they did. I recognize that and truly believe that there is often space to move forward in understanding and awareness instead of always placing blame. We are all going to make mistakes, hurt and offend people and I truly believe that we owe it to ourselves and others to admit it and learn from it instead of creating excuses to justify our actions. There is a lot of power in saying "I'm sorry I hurt you. I hear you and I will do better." Though it sucks to admit to ourselves that we've hurt someone, particularly when we didn't intend to, taking 5 seconds to say this, or I suppose text or Snap for all those millennials out there, can be incredibly healing and meaningful.
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