I don't typically put much stock in resolutions because I generally don't think they last. However, 2016 was rough for me and I thought it might be a good idea to take some time to reflect on the year and identify things I'd like to focus on doing differently to be a better partner, student and person moving forward. Here are some of the highlights.
- Be f*cking compassionate. I don't want to be just a little compassionate, or only compassionate towards some people. I want to be so f*cking compassionate that it's coming out of my ears. As we enter 2017 with a president-elect who is clearly trying to encourage division, compassion is not only important but, for me, will be a survival tool. We are all living under the same messaging and cultural influences and may react to them differently. At the end of the day, we are all human beings and even if someone doesn't see me as a human being who deserves safety, respect, access to affordable healthcare or to live in a world where I do not have to walk around at night with keys sticking out of my knuckles, that doesn't mean that I should respond with anger or disdain. Don't get me wrong, I am angry. But I also know that I need to be smart and thoughtful about the ways in which I plan to tear down patriarchy and conserve my energy. I genuinely believe in the value of human life and that the oppressive systems at play hurt us all and, for my own sanity, I want to lead with that.
- Lead by example. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I recognize now that I am strong and confident enough to keep speaking up. I think it is so important to address oppressive systems head on. People are quick to react in horror to actions that overtly reflect -isms like violence. However, when it comes to jokes, comments and "locker room talk," a lot more gets away unchecked. I'm not saying I'm going to become some sort of call-out machine (though I could buy one of those giant sports fan fingers and go around at parties pointing at people shouting "that's racist!" or "that's homophobic!" Maybe with a referee costume?). I'm not the be all and end all of social justice. I'm certainly still learning too. However, I cannot tolerate comments and jokes that reflect racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, Islamophobic, ableist or classist (etc.) messages and I'm not sorry if it ruins the mood to say it. It ruins my fun to be around that kind of language and I know that the more I speak up (with *compassion*), the more other people get comfortable speaking up too. I'm more than happy to be the "wet blanket" or the "bitch" in the situation if it helps others recognize how pervasive oppressive systems are and encourages others to recognize that they don't need to tolerate it either. *Narrator: and she was never invited to a party again*
- Be more affirming. I received a tremendous amount of support in 2016, for which I am grateful beyond words. Through a variety of experiences in the past year, I realized how important it is to verbally affirm and support my loved ones. I think it can be easy to assume that support is implied, particularly for friends and family who have been in your life for a long time. However, I think to assume this is a mistake. Also, where is the harm in saying it even if it is unspoken and understood? Every time I have been flooded with self-doubt and insecurity, especially regarding this blog, someone else's words of encouragement pulled me out of it and made me feel so many things but mostly gratitude. It is easy to compliment friends about shallow things, "I love you shirt" or "your hair looks great," but it is more difficult to get deeper and say "I'm proud of you for x, y and z" (those are the technical terms) or "I admire your tenacity and think that's such a strength." I want to be the kind of source of strength for others that I want for myself and to focus on lifting up those around me. There is so much negativity in the world and I think every positive act makes a difference.
- Be more honest. Ok, it's not like I am lying all the time but I have realized this year how exhausting and unfair it is to make excuses for things when honesty would be easier and kinder. For example, as a textbook introvert, I often make plans in advance and then simply don't have it in me to put on real pants and walk out the door when the time comes. Instead of trying to soften the blow of bailing by making up some excuse like "I'm sorry this day has been crazy busy I've been running around all day and won't make it back in time" (as I already said, I'm not even wearing real pants in this scenario), instead I'll say "I'm sorry I just don't have it in me tonight." I think these type of white lies are justified because people take on the position that they are protecting the feelings of their friends (by people here I clearly mean me). What I learned this year is that it is neither my job nor within the scope of my ability to "protect" my friend's feelings in that way. In all honesty, I was trying to protect myself from an uncomfortable conversation. And how arrogant is it to think that I know what is in the best interest of my other adult friends? Instead of dancing around issues, I want to focus more on speaking honestly and openly and encouraging my friends to do the same with me.
- Keep focusing on intersectionality. It's not a secret that activists and advocates are going to continue to have a lot of work to do in the coming years. It's important to me to recognize that even the fight for equality has never been equal. I've seen the quote floating around that "feminism without intersectionality is white supremacy" and that is true true true (I can't find who said that). Even in Pantsuit Nation, which tries to be some sort of liberal beacon of hope, women of color are actively silenced and their perspectives diminished by white folks who respond defensively to the assertion that feminism has not represented all women. To move forward, I plan to continue educating myself, engaging in conversations with white women about the complexity of women's issues and listening to what women of color are saying to understand more clearly how to use my own positions of privilege to amplify their voices.
- Eat more pasta. There's no lengthy explanation needed for this. I love pasta. It makes me happy and I want to do it more.
- Exercise. I do this already. I do it so much that I'm right on the brink of becoming one of those people who posts pictures of tupperware containers full of steamed chicken and broccoli with a caption like, "you have to eat like a beast to train like a beast." I do not, I repeat, I do NOT want to be that person in 2017. But I will need the endorphins for sure and also need to be in tiptop shape for all the political marches I have coming up.
- Listen to more early 2000's throwback music. This isn't really a thing but Usher's "Yeah" just came on my Pandora and it is excellent.
- Stop undermining my own abilities. One thing I do very often is downplay my own knowledge or power. When talking about politics, I recently realized that I always preface my statements with "I never really followed politics" or "I've never been that political," which, looking at it now, is totally ridiculous because, um, I am obviously political and I do follow the issues. I think I've always done this as a way to soften my opinions (because, you know, women have to be soft and silent), and also protect myself in case I was wrong about something. As a woman, I have definitely internalized the idea that men are the experts even though I consciously know that this is BS. But if Donald Trump has taught me anything, it's that I can know nothing but say I know something and that automatically makes it true! The new America! I'm kidding but I have realized that, you know what? A lot of the time I do know what I'm talking about. I don't need to soften that or feel weird about it. And if I'm wrong about something? Ok. My bad. Now I know. Why do I feel bad or weird or need to preface my statements with "now I'm no expert..." when I have quite literally watched people on Facebook dismiss or reject ideas that they clearly know nothing about with no shame or awareness? I definitely don't want to be those people but I do want to be confident in what I do know and honest about what I don't. And, truthfully, it's amazing to watch someone aggressively argue that something doesn't exist while simultaneously demonstrating that he/she has no idea what that thing even is. So I am going to focus on not apologizing when I don't need to, not undermining my own knowledge and remaining curious and humble when I really don't know something.
That's it, y'all. See ya next week.
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